The first thing we learn in school is A B C D…These basics make a concrete foundation in our learning as we begin to learn.
Let’s Relearn A B C D E the REBT way…
Various psycho-therapies offer methods through which one can develop a process to resolve our psychological and emotional well-being. Thus, understanding the basics to problem solving is essential.
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (R.E.B.T) is a form of psychotherapy and a philosophy of living effectively created by Albert Ellis in the 1950’s.
Everyone wants to be happy. There won’t be any individual who is not striving for happiness genuinely. In every walk of life and at every age we are looking for companions, confidants; we want to be aware and educated; we want a good career with good salary; and we want to enjoy our leisure time whether we are in solace or in a group, with family or friends.
Unfortunately, life doesn’t offer us such privileges all the time; our goal of being happy is often hampered as we cannot always live on the philosophy, “It’s my way or highway”. When our goals are blocked, we may respond in ways that are healthy and helpful, or we can react in ways that are unhealthy and unhelpful.
REBT is based on the philosophy that whenever we are disturbed, it is not the events taking place in our lives that disturb us; Beliefs that we hold cause us to become depressed, anxious, guilty, ashamed etc.
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (R.E.B.T) models the therapy as A x B = C ; where ‘A’ is the Activating Event/Adversity, B’ is the Belief (Thoughts) and ‘C’ is the Consequences both Emotional and Behavioral.
ANGER
A – Aging, Retirement, Death & Dying, Marriage & Divorce, Relationships, Natural Disasters,Work Place Issues, Migration. Performance Issues at School, Peers, Office or family.
B – People must treat me fairly. Why can’t people stay in their limits. I cannot tolerate dumb/rude/hypocrite people, People should not behave in unethical ways, No one has the right to talk to me badly. Why do people interfere in my life without any knowledge about me!
C (Emotional and Behavioral) –
Emotional – Annoyed, Rage, Restlessness, Disgust, Hatred.
Behavioral – Physical Aggression, Avoidance, loss of control, palpitation, blaming others.
LOW FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE
A – Aging, Retirement, Death & Dying, Marriage & Divorce, Relationships, Natural Disasters,Work Place Issues, Migration. Performance Issues at School, Peers, Office or family.
B – Everything is going wrong around me and I can’t handle it. Life should not come up with unpleasant events as I can’t tolerate them. Why is life so unfair! I always get things after struggle. Why am I always in such unwanted situations.
C (Emotional and Behavioral) –
Emotional – Constant irritation and discomfort, feeling restless, feeling fed up frequently.
Behavioral – Inability to relax, Indecisiveness, Procrastination, Blaming, complaining, Escaping from the situation.
HURT
A – Aging, Retirement, Death & Dying, Marriage & Divorce, Relationships, Natural Disasters,Work Place Issues, Migration. Performance Issues at School, Peers, Office or family.
B – How could my Sister/Mother/Father/Son/ Daughter/Friend/Boss/Teacher not understand me! I should not trust them again. How can such emotionally close people say such nasty things to me. Do I hold any importance in their lives. Why did such a situation arise with someone so close. I should have control over the situations.
C (Emotional and Behavioral) –
Emotional – Hurt, betrayal, self-blaming.
Behavioral – arguments, lack of assertiveness, communication gap, taunting, nagging.
ANXIETY
A – Aging, Retirement, Death & Dying, Marriage & Divorce, Relationships, Natural Disasters,Work Place Issues, Migration. Performance Issues.
B – I am nearing Death. I am dependent on my children, I am a burden. I should only focus on prayers at this age. How will I live after retirement? All my privileges have faded in thin air after retirement. Life is unfair and unpredictable. My spouse/partner is not interested in me, Am I going to get Divorced! I am a looser, I have no future. My subordinated are doing better than me. All my plans have doomed. I am living a marooned life in a new country. This culture is not like mine, How will I cope up! What if I am not able to prove my worth!
C(Emotional and Behavioral) –
Emotional – Hopelessness, Worthlessness, Anxiety
Behavioral – Lack of Decision Making, escaping / avoiding situations, , Decreasing or Increasing sleep/appetite, Sweating of palms, Increase or decrease in pulse rate. Panic.
DEPRESSION
A – Aging, Retirement, Death & Dying, Marriage & Divorce, Relationships, Natural Disasters,Work Place Issues, Migration. Performance Issues at School, Peers, Office or family.
B – Life doesn’t have much to offer, I am an absolutely worthless individual and I don’t deserve any happiness. I don’t have any emotional support to ask for help as no one understands me. I am in despair for the rest of my life.
C (Emotional and Behavioral) –
Emotional – Extreme sadness(Depressed), hopelessness, helplessness, constant feelings of despair, loneliness, Apathy.
Behavioral – Excessive crying, increasing or decreasing sleep/appetite, loss of interest in everything, lack of energy, self-isolation, attention-seeking behavior
ADDICTION
A – Intake of various substances for momentary satisfaction.
B – I will give up my addiction at new year’s eve or my birthday. I am a total waste and there is no solution other than being an addict. Life can never come back to normal. I don’t care about what others think of me so why should I care! There is no guarantee that my addiction will go away even after rehabilitation. How is my addiction interfering in others life. Everyone has to die one day, so why not live it the way I want. I can quit the day I want. I need the substance for my bowel movement or my day doesn’t go right. No one can force me leave addiction, and if they do so won’t ever leave it!
C (Emotional and behavioral) –
Emotional – Anxiety, anger, hopelessness, shame, feelings of inferiority, guilt, apathy.
Behavioral – inability to concentrate, preoccupation with getting the substance, manipulation, lack of interest in work and family.
SEXUAL PROBLEMS
A – Marriage & Divorce, Relationships, Work Place Issues, Migration.
B – I am too old for sexual intimacy with my partner. Why should I initiate towards being intimate. Females should not get intimate first. Sexual intimacy is an important part for relationships to work out. Physical attraction is a real sign of true love. Will my honeymoon period fade way with time. Is my partner involved with someone else as I am not able to give that much time due to work. Is it wrong to be attracted to my colleague. Long distance relationships are a big flop.
C (Emotional and Behavioral) –
Emotional – Shame, guilt, anxiety, anger, low self-confidence, frustration, helplessness
Behavioral – Inhibition, Avoidance, irritation, frustration.
SELF ESTEEM
A – Aging, Retirement, Death & Dying, Marriage & Divorce, Relationships, Natural Disasters,Work Place Issues, Migration. Performance Issues at School, Peers, Office or family.
B – I won’t get appreciation since I am old. I need approval of my children to do something. I need appreciation for what I do or else the work done is not worth the effort. Perfection is the only way to appreciation. I will eventually make a fool of myself yet again. Approvals and appreciation are worth only when given frequently. I must be better than others for me to accept myself. I should either do things perfectly or not make an attempt at all.
Emotional – Learnt self – helplessness, shame, guilt, self-downing, self-doubt, disapproval and dislike towards self, focus on others rather than self. Critical towards self.
Behavioral – perfectionists, escapism sympathy- seeking behavior.
RELATIONSHIP ISSUES
A – Aging, Retirement, Death & Dying, Marriage & Divorce, Relationships, Natural Disasters,Work Place Issues, Migration. Performance Issues at School, Peers, Office or family.
B – Relationships need to be nurture and not questioned. I must be understood, I must be able to make my loved ones happy, I must stand by people close to me. One should be able to have perfect agreement on issues, I absolutely need people’s approval, I/we must be able to make a relationship work no matter what. My loved ones must look up to me. Arguements are signs of healthy relationships. My relationship will always have ‘a happily ever after’ end.
C (Emotional and Behavioral)
Emotional – anxiety, hurt, betrayal, anger, self-blame, guilt, frustration.
Behavioral – arguments, lack of assertiveness, errors in communication, taunting, nagging, fairly tale thinking.
R.E.B.T focuses on the ‘B’ rather than the ‘A’. This is because events that occur in our life don’t govern over control. What we can control, alter or modify is our thought. As we control, alter or modify our thoughts, the way we feel and behave can also be changed leading to a change in the emotional and behavioral consequence which is ‘C’.
Through this therapy one can set goals and achieve them. This can facilitate individuals to come over their sustained emotional disturbance which is generally perceived to have developed from the various activating events that occur in our life. Take this 1st step to face these activating events more gracefully to deal with these negative unhealthy emotions for a better life that strives to your goal of happiness.