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Dual Approval

“Hello!!!” says a voice. When you turn to see, it is a familiar face and before you could say anything, this old friend tells you. “Haven’t you gained weight, since we met last time?”(Thinking) Fantastic! I am not able to do anything about my weight and here she goes. This is why she greeted me…? And what…to say this?  How attractive!!! (Finally replying awkwardly) “Yes…little bit…” and cutting the conversation short you just say I have some urgent work and I have to go.

This purposely terminated conversation must have ended but the thoughts just don’t seem to leave you alone. You may not even realize but there is a sudden change in the way you feel both emotionally and behaviourally. You keep telling yourself, why did we have to bump into each other? Why can’t people just shut up? I know I am fat, why did she have to say that? Did i make a fool of myself? She is also fat, She must mind here own business. I guess all my money for the gym is going waste. I am absolutely not going to reach anywhere and should stop dreaming of losing weight.

I am sure all of us go through this crisis. Have you ever thought that comments that come from people who aren’t really significant to our lives give us various self-downing ‘opportunities’ and we very efficiently grab them. Why do these statements make us feel so miserable? Going a step further what if someone really close to you tells you something that you don’t like to hear. But often people tell me that, there would ‘obviously’ be hurt or disappointed with close people if they say nasty things to you.

This blog is dedicated to all of us who fall into this trap where we ‘throw’ ourselves thinking that how important it is to feel the way we do. Why is it so difficult to hear something true from others that you keep reminding yourself otherwise? If someone tells you that you have gained weight there can be so many interpretations to it. For example, You have gained weight, but you look much beautiful. You have gained weight, but it is still in the healthy zone. You have gained weight but try not to gain further. You have gained weight but please do something about it as I am concerned. There can be so many ways to look at it.

Assuming, even if she said that you have gained weight and you look 10 years older than your age, is it really something that ‘should’ and ‘must’ make you feel hurt, angry, sad, ashamed, disappointed. Even if you were really working out to get into shape can you not tell yourself that I need to work harder or I should continue exercising till I reach my goal of losing weight and you will eventually look your age. This is in your hands whether to take this comment as an advantage or disadvantage for reaching towards or away from your goal.

Often, after such an incident we go up to people we know will not say things that would make us feel bad and ask for a reassurance from parents, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, sister and so on, of what their friend told. These dual approvals are just temporary ways to feel ‘good’. Even if you ask 10 people, thoughts about your old friend will keep coming to you. You may start thinking –  If everyone is saying I am not gaining weight then why did she say that? I guess mom doesn’t want to hurt me and so she is not telling me the truth… etc…  etc…

This is just one example of what our thoughts may do to us and this example is not gender specific. I don’t mean that only women or only men would think this way and go through emotional disturbance. There can be infinite situations where we may judge ourselves based on inference that will never take us to our goals. In fact, self-downing can take you miles away from your goal of losing weight or anything that you are trying to achieve and this can keep you emotionally disturbed for a sustained period of time.

Any thought or feeling that takes you away from your goal will never be healthy. I am not talking just in the context of physical health, it is also about the way one thinks and how these thoughts lead to self-disapproval. Therefore, it is so important to keep a check on your thoughts that give you every possible reason to feel emotionally disturbed. By doing this one can approve of their own thoughts and wouldn’t need a dual approval for every such incident that occurs in their life.  It is so essential to realize that controlling incidents that occur in our lives is not possible but the way we think can definitely make us feel differently in those episodes that happen to us.

5 Comments

  1. So true…. I fully agree with the views

  2. Hello! Cool post, amazing!!!

  3. I wish you had written this before. .. I can count back so many times something like this happened to me. …. it spoiled my day and I would just not stop thinking about the comment someone made. …. but I think I came to realize that not everyone who commented should be taken to heart. …… now just some few people can make me feel this way. …… the ones I care about out rather the one who care about me. ….. the rest are simply discounted from my thoughts and forgotten as an unnecessary part of my day 🙂

  4. Dual Approval may be faced by 95% people on the earth because we are social creature who want to be in the group. Being part of the society, we want their acceptance for our each step that create problem for us in over the period of time. We are doing anything : first thought will come that ” What parents or neighbors or others will think? Rather we should think ” what we want ?” Suppose I am the first person who is getting affected by my own thought not any other person, then why should we get overcautious?
    Now the remaining 5 % people are those who are not bothered about this social acceptance and they brought the changes in the system. We have a lot of examples of pro changer from the world.

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